I'm wondering what to write about, but I feel there's words coming.
I want to write a bit about Luna, but I'm going to leave that until the wound's a bit less raw and blooded.
I want to write about my feelings finding out yesterday that Esther's pregnant again, but that's more intense than I want to be right now. (I am happy, by the way, only that this is momentous news - have a beer on me and we'll talk about it later, OK?)
And I'm not in the mood for more politics and war and lying, cheating, dissembling arseholes.
I think what I'm noticing alot lately is memory. I don't know if this makes me sounds like an old man, but memory is playing a large part lately. If you'll excuse the recursiveness of the thought, it reminds me of when I first moved to Amsterdam and every smell and sight would trigger a memory verging on a sort of nostalgia. Seeing as I was only 22 back then, I guess this is not exclusively a middle-aged man's prerogative. Hopefully, it has nothing to do with a near-death experience back then :-)
WHat is the middle-age nostalgia about it is the frequent memories of my enjoyably misspent youth. The young lad sat next to me on the floor of the train this morning - separated by some needlessly symbolic glass door! - reminded me of myself. (And of the sort of boy that would have driven me crazy back then :-)
There is that being young and partying; unentangled and lustful; that is what drives middle-aged men to screw the babysitter and buy phallic cars I guess. I don't have any real desire to do that sort of thing - I still think that the guys who try to live that life when they're in their forties are the guys who never did it in their twenties.
So no, it's more a real pleasant nostalgia, watching and reliving through memory. Memory is tied in with death somewhere, but naturally I haven't got that all worked out yet.
I'm listening to the Pogues again right now, and the number of wildly drunken party nights I had with this music as my theme tune is countless. And tomorrow night I'm off out to party alone to the same sort of theme tune, but it doesn't mean I'm trying to relive past glories.
I lived good, I've had a real good life so far, and the adventure's only now getting into the meat of the story. The rst of it so far was prologue...
